Procrastination is that guest who has stayed long past their welcome. It sits stubbornly in the “shoulds” area of your mind, annoying you, until you’ve either: done the thing or discarded it. This post is very dense in terms of content. I recommend that you read it, then reflect on it. And when next you catch yourself procrastinating again: walk through these questions and check if they apply. Following it through can get you unstuck and possibly hit you with some personal insight. Necessary steps to conquer procrastination 1. Recognize that you are avoiding another task that needs doing 2. Understand what your priorities should be and are 3. Calibrate your expectations vs reality 4. Figure out why you are procrastinating against that task 5. Get curious 6. Do the thing. 1. Recognizing that you are procrastinating You need some sort of interrupt or ability to check in with your needs. Tracking yourself, mindfulness, accountability. There is a threshold level of urgency between the carrot and the stick. What's the activation energy needed to get started? Procrastination is a habit that comes from an emotional signal. There is a reaction in you where you do not think it is the best investment of your time to do the thing. This could be because of a risk, an unknown, a looming detriment, whatever. What is that doubt? 2. Understanding what your priorities should be and actually are Use goal-setting, recursive planning, prioritization for importance and value. Aspired-to vs deeply rewarding goals. What's necessary to move you forward? What’s the order of importance and urgency? Are the tasks really necessary for the thing that you are trying to achieve? 3. What is actually happening? Are you being true to your intentions? Are you committed to your actions? How do you know the disconnect between the path that's gonna get you what you want? Consequently what are the actions that you are actually taking day to day? What's the evidence? 4. So what's stopping you? Ever stopped to ask why you're procrastinating? There's usually a very good reason. Everyone is just trying to do their best all the time, even when they don't say they believe in themselves. We still make decisions and act upon our best understanding of the situation and evaluation of ourselves in it. We all want to live a good life as we see it. Is there a connected challenge that you are not facing that is causing some sort of discomfort? Are you making excuses? What are they? How can you challenge those excuses? 5. What's a possibility that you haven't tried before? There's an opportunity in every challenge. The pressure that is causing you to procrastinate holds the key to unlocking the problem. It shows you what type of questions you need to start asking; what assumptions you're making; what things are still unknown; where you need help; what you cannot do and must either get help for; or learn to do it; what is too complex to look at all at once and could be broken down into some component parts? Check in with your motivations for accomplishing this thing: Why is it so important for you to do it in the first place? 6. ACT Do it. Do it anyways. Seriously, just start. Often unravelling the causes and feelings tied up in procrastination is enough for it to stop being so scary. And this naturally leads us to the steps necessary to making progress. Once you're moving, it's easy to leverage that momentum into continued action. But you must start with this choice to act that is realized. If you can do five minutes I'll give you a cookie.* No really, studies show that if you can get past the first 10 minutes the area of your brain that's involved with this doubt will show less activity. Do it for yourself, or do it for someone else. *Disclaimer: I'm unlikely to send you cookies.
An inevitable part of the coaching-client relationship is the moment at which the cancellation policy becomes more than just words on paper (or pixels on a screen) and has effects on the schedules, money and emotions of all involved.
These reactions can often be the assumption that the policy is selfish or unfair. It seems normal that some skepticism arises when you receive a contract that appears to benefit the person you are paying but only costs you. Reactions ahead of time are less frequent than the moment of when it comes up, but I wanted to write an article to better articulate my reasoning behind why my policy is for the benefit of the coaching-client relationship. The emotional reactions towards the idea of having to pay for late cancellations can feel like you are being 'punished' for missing a session. But the reaction comes in many forms, and is often very informative of other struggles or dynamics you might have as a pattern in your life. The reaction could connect to some of your challenges, memories or beliefs in a way we are not consciously aware of. There may be some emotional transference from a previous event where you felt you were unjustly treated. This places the emotional memory from the previous time on the current time and reduces objectivity. These reactions have consequences that challenge the trust and connection. For example, holding onto a belief that no refunds for cancellations is self-serving will create a resentment that undermines mutual respect. So, is it a selfish policy? If selfishness were the motivation a rigid cancellation policy is counter-productive. The coach would have to sacrifice principles that they believe in just to make themselves more comfortable from avoiding these conflicts. For example, think of that particular 'cool teacher' or 'extra nice' relative that most of us had. The one that spoiled children endlessly, let them get away with anything, and consequently was not taken at all seriously. We might've enjoyed the freedom at the time, but chances are you didn't learn any life lessons or grow into yourself more as a result of being around them. Maintaining a rigid boundary inevitably raises confrontation in scheduling or emotions. If I gave in every time it would actually be more selfish, as it would allow me to maintain exclusively nice, friendly, 'buddy buddy' feelings while betraying the results that we're both seeking. The logic may appear cold, but its intentions are warm. In particular as a productivity and motivation coach, it is part of my working framework that holding you accountable to your commitments (and thus your goals and most fulfilling life) comes from the necessary calibration of expectations, reality and desires. You could think of the coaching-client relationship as equivalent to the level of a medical commitment. Sigmund Freud likened treatment fees to music lessons: “I follow the principle of payment for a fixed hour exclusively. A given hour is assigned to each client, and that hour is his and he is responsible for it even if he does not make use of it. This practice, which for the music or language instructor is considered normal in our society, when it involves a physician sometimes appears harsh or unworthy of his role...” The APA code of ethics cautions that charging clients for short-window cancellations should be made: “with the utmost consideration for the client and his or her circumstances.” It is with this that I am flexible where unavoidable crises arise, but rather draconian in all other circumstances. The cancellation policies of therapists are not only logistic or financial but connected more deeply to structures that allow therapeutic relationships to work. Without these structures sessions cannot provide a framework for you to risk change safely and be willing to confront challenging feelings and beliefs in a place that you feel held. Only waiving the fee if the therapist can fill the hour creates another set of problems. It would require the client to project feelings upon the therapist's unobservable actions: that they don't care enough to fill it or wastes their whole day chasing emails and calls; has no other clients or a long waiting lists; dishonestly charges even when slots are refilled or is perfectly honest. Another problem with an arbitrary and infinitely flexible policy is that it trades away part of the other aspects of the feedback structure, such as the length or frequency of the sessions. Consistency is part of the container that allows emotional vulnerability (and therapeutic regression) to occur. The advantage of consistency is that the client knows, based on his or her own behaviour, whether a fee will be charged. This is analogous to knowing that therapy starts and stops on time, that if one is X minutes late, there are Y minutes left for therapy that day. This models consistent behaviour that shows that rules are respected and followed, which are especially important when you are opening up your vulnerable parts to someone. You want to feel supported, and not have to worry about whether they'll give up on you or other commitments arbitrarily. There is a certain cold logic to a cancellation policy with no excuses permitted (not even emergencies). This policy provides the most consistent “therapeutic frame,” in that subjective judgments of the therapist never enter the picture, but it also avoids any of the powerful conversations that can be had from investigating the client's relationship to this source of conflict. It's also less tender to tell a client that the night they spent in the ER costs them that much extra. In a role of support, I have a hard time justifying a lack of compassion. Likewise, waiving the fee for a cancelled session should not depend on how busy, diligent, honest, or popular the therapist is. whether to waive the fee depending on the reason for the absence causes confrontation between the coach's values and the client's, creates a relationship dynamic of judging the client, and thus is forced into punishment when the excuse is “not good enough.” A related article [[“Paying for missed sessions is good for you!”]] argues that being “conventionally nice” is actually counter-therapeutic. So what precisely is my policy: The client will provide a minimum of 36 hours notice, outside of which rescheduling and cancellation can occur, but within which the client is wholly responsible for paying for the session no matter what reason. If a client is facing a medical emergency that takes them to the hospital with no advance notice, I will not charge them for the session. A cancelled appointment affects three people: you, your coach and another client that could've used your reserved time slot. When a session is cancelled without adequate notice, there's not enough time to offer this slot to another current client, a client on the wait list, or one who needs emergency support. I have found that 36 hours is necessary beyond 24 to allow for reaching people through different communication methods, across time zones and asking multiple people subsequently. Because we believe that the responsibility for your care is both on your side and ours, we agree that if you are double-booked, more than 15 minutes late or do not give you the equivalent 36 hours notice, then you will receive a free session. Note that this policy still makes no distinction is made between frivolous advance cancellations after a contract has been signed (I booked a cotton candy making class in two weeks), or minor emergencies which both cost the client but come from very different motives. Clients continue to have agency over the long-term course of their life, but are fully accountable into the effects that they have upon others. When clients cancel sessions greater than 36 hours but less than a week in advance, I can sometimes fill the slot and sometimes cannot, but that's my problem, not the client’s. So the issue for the therapist is not just a question of whether or not the income can be recovered but what best serves the well-being of the client? Okay, so I've mentioned that having strict cancellation policy for short-term cancellations is helpful to clients by providing structure. How is that true? For one, it reduces the levels of uncertainty in the relationship. Uncertainty reduces confidence and questions any authority of the coach's knowledge. Authority is only given to my by a client when entering into the relationship, and you trust me with this authority because you recognize that it will be used to hold you accountable to your word and greater goals. You do this because you trust my experience and perspective, and without that trust my opinions lose value. In the coaching relationship, the boundaries from the structure are even harder to maintain than a psychologist's role where you are always meeting in a specific place. The place can develop many connotations and become a literal safe container to open up within. Additionally, there is a subconscious, emotional component. As we interact through sessions and other communications there is the conscious self that you are using to interact with me, and there is also the instinctive, emotional self which could be considered a child subset of our reactions. Also can be thought of as the [Social Survival Mammoth] which is part of our brain running a constant background process concerning social belonging and safety: Are there signs that Aaron is interested and listening? Does he understand what I'm saying? Is he responding emotionally appropriately? Can I trust him? Is he safe to open up to? Is anyone safe? Will I get hurt? Can I trust that he means what he says? [[questions inspired by previous article linked]] So this subconscious 'child-mind' looks to the adult to protect them from consequences that they are unable to comprehend. They need to know that the authority figure is safe to trust - that they have good reasons for their rules and will not budge on a boundary that is important. For example: The only ever time I got hit as a child was if it directly endangered my life. That signal was explicitly clear, very quickly and did not need to be questioned. Of course I'd never hit a client, but if they're engaging in self-desctructive behaviour, they will certainly hear it. Keeping with the child analogy: If someone shows you nothing but love, but in turn will not budge on a particular thing - you recognize that it is a boundary that must be respected. If those boundaries become fluid, the level of permitted actions and their importance to the relationship is questioned, and the stability of the relationship can deteriorate. The child looks to the adult to protect them from consequences they are unable to comprehend. They need to know that the authority figure is safe to trust—that they know how it really is and will not budge on a boundary that is important. On one hand the desire for the inner child is to know that you are cared for, and you will be protected from any pain (in this case financial & scheduling conflict) but more deeply and importantly, to know that safety is ensured. To know that safety from any greater pain will be provided. Acknowledgement that safety is more important than the some discomfort. In childhood, these are things that will be dangerous or have permanent consequences, in coaching it is holding ourselves to our higher needs of self-actualization and transcending our internal challenges (of which we all have varying levels of screaming brats we have to deal with). There can always be excuses made for a situation, but taking responsibility for your actions is a habit that cannot just apply to limited aspects of your life. If there becomes a consistent problem with cancellations, then it will force you to either deal with that in the way you approach life (better planning, setting up notifications & reminders, etc) or you will choose not to address it, end the coaching relationship and fail at what you set out to do in the first place. That's not a choice I can make for you, but it's an important choice for me to ensure that you must face. If you're not committed to addressing the limitations that you have felt brought you to a dire enough place that you wanted help to get out of it, then there is nothing that I could do to help you, even if I were willing to use force. The very real possibility that I will lose clients is an unselfish act - my best customer service is not just to make you happy and get paid, but to hold you to the changes you desire to see in your life. So the strict cancellation works with compassion, understanding, and a willingness to explore the challenges around boundaries. But at the end of the day, it is to firmly and unwaveringly establish a benchmark of confidence. So the aim of an unwavering cancellation rule addresses unspoken and often unknown needs to show that the coach-client relationship is a safe space within which you can expect consistency and support to your higher levels of needs. Were the unspoken question of you social survival mammoth asked: “Can I trust you?” My policy is in place to offer a consistent yes. Don't do something everyday. At the beginning of each day, or even the night before, choose something that you will NOT do the next day. The aim of this practice is to cultivate willpower and keep it growing by challenging yourself to move just a little bit out of your comfort zone. Discipline is a muscle that must be exercised. With enough discipline you can make choices you previously thought impossible. For the type of thing you want to not do: Don't pick something impossible at first, but set yourself up for success. You want to be able to succeed so that you can create a positive feedback cycle that builds upon itself. If you decide to tackle that big issue in your life, the one you've been avoiding but really want to get rid of, and then try to immediately face it head on with a single day of cold turkey attitude - maybe you'll succeed, but you're unlikely to stick with it even if you can win for a while. It's normal to have days where you succumb to previous habits, or seek comfort when you know isn't the healthiest, and that's okay - those impulses are human. The point of this practice is to build your willpower through actively practicing choice of what you will and will not do - and then that is methodically reinforced by keeping a daily promise to yourself not to do something specific, just for one day at a time.
So start with something that you know you are likely to succeed with, but ideally something that also makes you just a little uncomfortable. Can you go a single day without checking that one social media service? Did you feel a little bit of an internal cringe there? That inner voice squealing "Nooooo"? Good, that is discomfort that means it can challenge what you believe you can do. Pushing that limit a tiny bit here and there helps you get better at facing new challenges. If it's not realistic to go without social media because you have business or making plans with friends that day, don't set yourself up for failure by choosing something you know you won't do. If you want, you can break down a challenge into smaller and smaller parts. For example you could decide "Today I will not use Facebook except for the www.facebook.com/messages and I will not use it for anything longer than 15 minutes per hour". Think of this right now: What is something that you should probably be doing less of in your life that you could survive a single day without doing? Did you feel some discomfort? Even if you didn't, that's okay. You can work yourself up to challenges if you don't think you're ready right now. This practice can start anywhere, even someplace silly. Just by repeatedly not doing something specific each day that you have promised to yourself, you can build willpower and discipline. Think of the neurons in your brain like a pathway over a lawn. The more you use it, the more worn it becomes, and then people take it by default when crossing because it's easier and orderly. By practicing willpower and discipline like this, you are building up capacity to use everywhere else in your life. And by choosing something silly, you can set yourself up for success even when you're not sure you're ready to push your limits. An example of a very very low discomfort task is "I will not enter the bathroom without first turning around in a circle." That's a trivial task, it's really hard to not do as long as you remember. You'd only look silly if you were doing this at work and a coworker happens to be behind you. But even then, maybe it's a good opportunity to talk about what you are doing and why. More reinforcement means further progress towards the freedom of doing what you really want to, and not just what's automatic. By repeatedly applying this practice and building up the level of challenge in what you are able to say no to, eventually you will have the willpower and discipline to break ANY bad habit. So, now that we're good with all the introduction and pre-amble: What are the core instructions of this practice to follow? - In the morning or night choose something that you will NOT do for the day - this needs to be something that you are committed to succeed at - When or where are you going to not do this? - What exactly does not doing it look like? What will you do instead? - Why are you not doing this? - this can be anything from a serious goal to simply "I'm doing this peculiar action because it helps me to build my willpower that allows me to progressively choose better things in life" - Write these details down - you can carry it with you, or put it somewhere visible if it will help you remember - Now say it aloud e.g. "I will not do the thing when I blah blah because then lalala. It's only for today and that makes it okay" - Don't do the thing. All day. Congratulate yourself every time you manage to catch it - Did you do the thing? :( - Too bad, try again tomorrow with something else or by breaking it down into smaller steps - Did you not do the thing?! Yay!! - You're scoring imaginary points towards very real ability to change habits and enact your will - Choose a new little thing to not do for the next day if you're bored or not able to keep up a streak - If you want to really challenge yourself, 60 consecutive days is the estimate for how long you need to do something before it starts to become automatic. The format I've given you here I've tested with people and is the most effective you can get in a short explanation. I will break down the reasoning now. Having yourself both write it down and say it not only brings it out of your thoughts into physical reality, but gives it multiple forms. It's well known in education that encoding knowledge in repetition through multiple actions for different senses helps things to stick better. Locating exactly when and where this habit change will be identifies the context at which the behaviour typically starts. This makes it easier to interrupt the trigger that is already automatic. This is really key to the whole thing, because if you can't remember to catch yourself before it happens, then you don't have the opportunity to make the choice to do it differently. Being specific about the actions that you will do instead of your default ones means that you have tangible steps to follow at that time and don't have to wonder about what to do next. If you were to stop and think, it brings some mental friction and it's easier once again to just do the default thing. But having it clearly replaced with new steps means that once we've made the choice, we can just act without having to figure it out right there. Stating why it is that you are not doing the thing gives a real weight to the reasoning about your actions. It allows you to connect it to your broader values and desires about life that aren't automatically in mind in that situation you're trying to disrupt. This is important because often our desire to be healthier from making good choices is at odds to the indulging comfort of automatic reactions. If you have a clear why, then you know why it's worth it to not do the thing. It's also useful to have this stated in a clear, positive, and present tense. With no woulds or coulds. If you give yourself a loophole then you're not completely committed and it's easier to build an excuse. And of course, positively rewarding yourself right after is good to acknowledge that you're able to take steps towards making your life better, even if it isn't always the easiest route. By not beating yourself up and instead using the mistake as an opportunity to refine your way of approaching the problem you also build resilience so that you can move forward instead of getting mired down in blame and guilt. Mistakes happen, they're only failures if you fail to learn from them. This practice may appear deceptively simple, but its great power is in the fact that it can build and build upon itself over time. "How do I make my life better? Don't do something!" - that might seem like backward advice at first, but hopefully now you can see how it is in fact exactly what you need to practice. By not doing something, you make room for something else - whether it's just the choice to do things differently, or actually releasing yourself from a bad habit. It puts you back in control and builds the habit strength to do that repeatedly. And that control gives you freedom. Additionally, since there can be a little bit of a challenge to this every time you decide not to do the thing, you are also increasing your tolerance to discomfort. I'm sure to talk a lot about discomfort in future posts, but consider this paradox: the way to deal with discomfort is not just to get rid of it or replace it with comfort, but to cultivate resilience so that we can accept what it is really telling us and then choose to move through it if we must. Again, this ties into giving you more freedom in how you live your life. I'm starting to think that this skill of weathering discomfort is one of the most important skills for people in this modern world. Best of luck with not doing the things, and keep trying, keep practicing. Rest in the knowledge that you can build the life you really want, and taking tiny steps like these will build unstoppable momentum with time and tiny bits of cumulative effort. |
AuthorAaron Ball. Recovered Academic. Grieving Environmentalist. Evidence-Based Transformational Coach. Electronic musician. Transrationalist. Archives
August 2022
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